Having Fun

I said I was only going to blog about races, or rides, or events. But this blog comes out of the conclusions I came to after spending a miserable weekend on my bike. Winter returned to Northern California making for cloudy, cool conditions. Initially, Jon and Jo Ann from Sonoma County, Dan, and I had planned to do an 80ish mile hilly ride starting in Folsom, heading to the hills in El Dorado County. Since the forecast had started predicting rain for the weekend early last week, Jon and Jo Ann decided not to risk the weather and Jo Ann's shoulder. Then Dan and I found this other ride in Berkeley, and decided that if the weather held up, we would go do that instead.

I set out Saturday morning, under a mostly gray sky, on my tt bike. First long ride this year on that bike. Headed out on the familiar, go-to route that I don't have to think about where I'm going. Nothing exciting happens, aside from coming across my teammate (or former teammate since I just resigned from the team) who is on the side of the road with a broken dérailleur. I asked him why he was by myself and his claim was that since it was a race ride he was on, no one stops to help. Okay so I still don't get that, and it's no wonder I refuse to ride with any of my former teammates. I think that sparked my thoughts this weekend. Got 63 miles done, far from spectacular, and by the end I was really not enjoying myself. It was still cloudy and chilly.

So Sunday morning I have another ride to do. Since the weather was not looking favorable for Sunday, I did not go down to Berkeley to ride. Instead, I went out on my tt bike again. By myself. And it was grayer and chillier than the previous day, and the wind was starting to pick up. I went up Auburn-Folsom Road, and then down. Normally going down is fun because there's a lot of free speed, but this time the wind was so bad I wasn't really going anywhere. By the time I got back to my apartment I was just frustrated. The one upside is that the entire ride was dry.

Where was I going with this post? Oh right, my conclusions from this weekend where I spent 100 miserable, solo miles on my bike. I have decided to not pursue triathlon seriously anymore. I think I was getting a bit brainwashed last year since all the people I was meeting were serious athletes who were, or trying to become, pro at either triathlon or cycling. And I was feeling out of place for being the only one with a full-time, Monday-Friday, 9-5 job. By trying to be so serious about the sport, and trying to excel at my intense job, I am making myself crazy. Last year I had almost a get-out-of-jail-free card since I was a rotation engineer, which is a close equivalent to glorified intern. But now, I'm truly responsible for my work and there is no one to cover my ass anymore. (And no one should tell a Type-A person like me that if one gets Exceeds Expectations or Outstanding for his/her reviews for several years in a row they get marked as a fast mover because of course now I'm going to try to do that.) And since I have decided that being a pro triathlete is not, nor will ever be, in the cards for me, I don't see why I am stressing myself out so much over training. It should be fun, right? And I'm starting to lose the fun part, like this weekend. And I don't like feeling inadequate when I can't hit the run times my coach puts on my schedule. I'm tired of swimming. I don't feel like being boxed into my training schedule. And this getting sick every 3 weeks thing just SUCKS. Triathlon is just supposed to be a hobby, not a part-time job!

So what do I want? I want to workout just because I enjoy it, not because I feel obligated to do so. If I eat a gigantic piece of carrot cake one day, then yes I will probably feel the need to go for a long bike ride the next day but that's a whole other matter. I want to swim when I feel like it, which I think I'll be more interested in doing once I can join a real master's team with real workouts that meets at a reasonable hour (5:30 am is NOT reasonable). I want to run because I enjoy it and I like the non-thinking time. I want to go on group bike rides with people, whether it be rides where I am sucking wind and wheel trying to hang on or more casual, social rides. I want to practice more yoga. I want to actually challenge myself strength training, not just do light weights because it compliments my triathlon training. I want to try new things, whether that be CrossFit or kickboxing or going back to rowing. Work is stressful enough, I don't need the added stress every time I look at my training schedule!

The first step in this, well first two steps, was to decide not to race Wildflower (unless in the next 3 weeks I have a gigantic change in heart) and to resign from the cycling team I joined end of last year. For the latter, I just wasn't fitting right, which is no surprise since the team is composed of almost all men in the typical Sacramento suburb age bracket. And the 2 other females were also in the same age bracket. And I never rode with them since all they do are "race rides" where if you get dropped, you get left behind (see above). Going to team meetings was a more stressful experience than what it was worth. I never felt welcome. And I decided not to race Wildflower since my good friends I was looking forward to roadtripping with and hanging out with that weekend had conflicts so it would just be me camping with my coach and his athletes. Plus the race is such a hassle; it compounds logistics stress with race stress and general un-fun-ness.

So next step is to... figure out where to move to?