Finding My Legs

I finally had a ride this afternoon that made me feel good afterwards. Maybe because the weather was in mid-60s and sunny; maybe because it was supposed to be an easy ride, low heart rate, not hilly; maybe because even though I started the ride with co-workers I decided I was just going to do my own ride, at my own pace; maybe it was because I was finally able to shut my brain off. Whatever it was, the 48 and change mile ride was the best I've had so far this year. So I'm hoping this feeling will carry over to my 60+ mile ride tomorrow. But it's going to be hilly and cloudy and not so warm.

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately (and a lot of training but next week is a recovery week!) and I'm starting to realize that I should have taken the equally unfun job in Austin, even though it would have come with a large paycut, instead of thinking I could recreate my life there here. I don't know why I ever thought a job in engineering would suddenly be better here than there. At least there I had friends. I realize now (hindsight is always 20/20) that I had probably as perfect of a situation as possible in Austin. My job itself wasn't great, but the people I worked with were awesome. And then my other friends at the company were great and the friends I met through swimming and the gym were also great. Like within a month in Austin (my first spring there) I had met people at work with SIMILAR interests and within a decade of my age, and I talked to people at the gym. It has now been 6 weeks here and I have not met really anyone within my age range with similar interests and people at the gym seem really stuck-up. If I go early, like 6-7am, no one talks to each other, and if I am there later, like 9am, it's all the stay-at-home moms. So when I put everything together, I just feel miserable. The bike ride today was the first time I felt any sort of energy. I used to be able to pop out of bed in Austin at 530 in the morning because I knew I was going to swim or row or something. Now I set my alarm for 615 and snooze a couple times. And then I lay there and think about how I don't want to get up. And then I can't fall asleep at night because I'm thinking about how awful I feel. I don't feel that energy I used to have anymore. I remember just going to run on Town Lake made me feel so excited and ready to go. Now everything just feels like a struggle. Ironically, the only time I feel sometimes fast is in the pool. That's something I could never say last year.

I'm trying to look for the positives here. I have a job and a good paycheck and health insurance. The riding conditions (aka lots of hills) are good. But the list seems to stop there. I'm breathing, but I don't feel alive. To put it succinctly, I feel like poo. And I hate it! I want to feel energetic. I want to feel unstoppable. I want to feel ALIVE!